First Blogstration

Happy Easter Everybody!

2006-04-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

:-D

Professional Frustration

2006-04-12T03:26:00.000-07:00

Enough is enough.
Even more so than I already was, I am now determined to become employed in the world of translation, and specifically in subtitling. As I have always had affinity with the English and Dutch languages, it make my toes curl when I see some of the horrendous mistakes that appear in the subtitles on Dutch TV and even buy-to-own DVD's. Is it just me or have these translation companies hired some of the DUMBEST people on earth... who seem to have no clue as to what is currently going on the in English and American- speaking countries, the differences between the two, SPELLING OF THE DUTCH LANGUAGE(!!!), and the global cultural status quo.
By this time, you should be gagging for a few examples. I shall indulge.

First off, the world famous Charles Bridge in Prague, Czech Republic, should NOT be translated into Dutch as the "Charles Brug". History teaches us that there was no significant person in Czech history named "Charles" (in Czech or Dutch anyway ;-)). No no no, a bit of general knowledge and/ or research shows us
that this is known as the "Karelsbrug" (in Czech: "Karlův most"), named after King Charles the Fourth (KAREL IV, dus!), who also lay the first stone in 1357, on July 9th, at exactly 5.31 a.m. (1-3-5-7/9-7/5-3-1). Just so you know.

Next up: Pulp Fiction. Being a movie nerd, I know this little gem by heart and solely have the subtitles on for sheer "entertainment". When Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) tells Vincent Vega (John Travolta) to "Back off, I'm getting a little pissed here" (just before they pay Brett (CHECK OUT THE BIG BRAIN!!") and his friends a visit) , he does NOT mean that the lads have already been on a drinking binge (at "seven twenty-two in the A.M.", mind you) and that he is already getting drunk ("pissed" in British English --> translated in Dutch as "'n beetje dronken") - no, he means, of course, he's getting what the English would refer to as "a bit pissed OFF" (as in "mad" or "agitated") --> (oftewel "kwaad", of nog liever "pissig").

This was brought to my attention by a friend of mine (who occasionally shares my cynicism): when Americans refer to a "farm" as being part of a professional sports organization, this should NOT, I repeat NOT be translated literally into "een boerderij" - unless you're thinking of an unfortunate agricultural entrepreneur who owns his professional establishment in the near vicinity of Yankee Stadium or Wrigley Field. It would refer to the training system American
sports organizations have, wherein future ballplayers are trained and educated within that organization - which can be best described in Dutch as "een jeugdopleiding" or, somewhat more informally: "uit eigen kweek".

Also, interpreting the phrase "raising the stakes" as "de palen hoger zetten" would be completely and utterly wrong. It's an expression used in the world of gambling (or other kinds of competitive activities) and should be "de inzet verhogen".

I will not go into spelling mistakes or violations of verb conjugations... too many to mention.
This sh*t annoyes the crap outta me. My work seems to be cut out for me.

Colourful weekend of extremities

2006-04-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it makes me wonder what kinda world we really live in.
Let me describe a couple of 'interesting' incidents I had this past weekend.

On Saturday night, I went to one of my beloved concerts and was there confronted by some of the nation's worst scum: neo-nazi's. All fat, drunk, old bastards full of ridiculous tattoos (i.e. this (no shit!) and, well... beer. Sieg-heilling and rampaging while ultimately succeeding in ruining the atmosphere at the show. I would've said something but hey... we all know these people always claim the right to free speech, yet if someone has something to say AGAINST them, al hell breaks loose. And I'd rather spend the rest of my days with a full set of teeth, thank you very much.

On we merrily go with the Sunday. Evening shift at the bar. Picture this: a drunk (and may I add: very uninteresting and somewhat mongoloid) guy, sitting at the bar talking BS to some other guy. Two African-Americans walk in, order drinks and mind their business besides this fuckwit. As I am doing my work at this particular end of the bar, I overhear the man saying to these Americans: "Yeah, we, the Dutch, took you guys from Africa and sold you to the Americans" (as a joke). Needless to say, the two black guys were not amused - this was demonstrated by the colourful phrase "You say that shit to me again, I'ma take this teacup and bust it on the side of your fucking head." I managed to calm the lads down, and told the first guy to please STFU if he wanted to walk outta there. What a moron.

As if that wasn't enough... there was another incident with a (apparently) drug dealer and a disgruntled customer. The dealer had left the bar, while the "poor" addict was left twisting in the wind. He approched the bar mumbled in French what I later reconstructed would have been "Si je vois (...) par ici encore, je vais tuer le connard" - which roughly translates into " If I see so-and-so here again, I'm gonna kill the fucker." I responded with "There will be no killing around here" and left it at that. I am NOT getting involved in that kinda shit.

I have a good mind of putting on a little bit of Al Green or Marvin Gaye, grow some fresh basil and watch a couple of movies tonight. You know.... normal stuff...

P.S. It reminds me of the famous quote from Taxi Driver: "Someday, a REAL rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets..."

Is this guy for real??

2006-03-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

Normally I'm not big on politics (since I consider it something we, as being part of a parliamentary democracy, can't do too much about as a result of all the bureaucracy and red tape...), but what I saw on the news (and read on the net) today blew my mind. Apparently, one of our more flamboyant and well-known members of the Tweede Kamer (which is part of the Dutch Parliament), Geert Wilders, announced the idea that he wishes to abolish the FIRST ARTICLE(!!!) of our constitution, which comprises the central idea of non-discrimination. In
other words: one of the main foundations of our nation. He wants to replace it by an article that manifests the Christian and Jewish humanist culture as the dominant one in Holland (read: a little "Fuck you" to the moslims). This man needs to get his head examined and preferably seek another job (the words "municipal watse services" spring to mind).
I'd like to know whether this is a real, genuine attempt to get this ridiculous idea through, or just another joust just to piss people off and work himself on the frontpage of various newspapers - again.
I might be an idealist, but I would imagine that it is an impossibility to have one of our countries main founding ideas replaced by a load of crap that states the EXACT opposite of the former.
How does Mr. Wilders expect anyone to take him seriously anymore (nevermind the haircut...). Puhleeeeease....

Weeeeeeell SHIT Sheriff....

2006-03-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight, for the first time in my near ten year experience as a bartender, a guy threw up on my bar. Yes, that's right. FUCKIN' PUKED on my bar.

I am now considering writing a bestseller called "The Ultimate Guide to Do's and Don'ts Whilst Frequenting a Bar" (feel free to check the rest of my blog). If this blog doesn't work, we'll pull out the big guns.

Also, this should become an international law.

Nice place to visit...

2006-03-03T04:45:00.000-08:00

As I was gettind rid of the last remnants of the carnaval celebrations (doing laundry, fixing bike tire, bringing silly clothes to basement... that kinda stuff), it hit me. Did I dream this? Was it a figment of my imaginations? Was I really THAT drunk? Or did I remember correctly when I thought of a big HEAP of a mess that was laying outside of my apartment building the other day. Now, when the average person thinks of a "heap of a mess", they would imagine a bin liner that had been torn open and the contents were spread in the street in a fairly limited radius or range. When I think of a big heap of a mess, I think:

(oh sacrilage!)

In this particular case, it would appear that one of the people in my apartment buildings (which is situated in, shall we say, one of the less luxurious parts of Maastricht, NL) was either kicked out by his/ her girl/ boyfriend, after which the better half got rid of the ENTIRE series of belongings of this person.... or had blown town YET had taken the decency to vacate his apartment from ALL of his/ her belongings.... OR had escaped an eviction notice of some sort, after which the appropriate organisations had cleared out the premises in question. Either one of those ...or it was ONE HELL of a crime scene.

I decided to go and find out first hand and this is what I came across (YAY for my memory!)

Note to self: find new apartment. In better neighbourhood.

Toepasselijke poëzie

2006-02-17T05:44:00.000-08:00

Inferno in Maastricht

Weer hijs ik mij in het mottig pak
ijl naar de stad in loden schoenen
smaakt het carnavalsbier straks brak
wacht mij Charon's taxi, een laatste zoenen?

hoe fel ik ook mijn kleur ophoog
tot in de morgen grimasseer
genadeloos vormt mijn zweet een loog
door mijn blanketsel leekt mijn zeer

Ik blijf een vreemdeling in deze stad
in joelend Babylon onbesneden
altijd weer Babylonisch zat.

ijdel orerend, de jeugd versneden
sneuvel ik kotsend op het Bat
geen kater volgt er op mijn schreden

	August Agasi

Sorry about this little Dutch interlude, but it's very appropriate for my yearly dillema during these weeks. Indeed, Carnival in Maastricht is around the corner. And this year, I can't be asked. I have a good mind of escaping the entire thing. Spend the three days of Maastricht Madness nicely ensconsed in my parental home. Spend the time reading books, watching movies..... save the countless euro's that would be spent on frites zoervleis, Carnaval costumes, taxi fares and, most of all, excessive amounts of beer (and I DO mean excessive...) for the more useful things in life... a holiday maybe, new clothes, dvd's, that kinda stuff. Yep, sounds like a plan...

Wellll..... maybe just the one day.... ;-)

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T06:07:00.000-08:00

Every year the same. You laugh and joke about it, but in the meanwhile you are seriously hoping thousands of cards will be delivered to your doorstep and you have to make a gruesome yet luxurious decision on which girl to date on this, the 14th of February. But oh, how reality rears its ugly head. Waking up with a hangover and realising I have to work the late shift at the bar tonight...

It also hit me that Valentine's Day is complete horseshit. Same as Mother's Day and Father's Day I might add. All of these events (and more) are just Hallmark occasions invented to up the sales of brightly-coloured crap we don't need. Or are you seriously gonna sit there and tell me that awfully red set of heartshaped coasters is gonna be used all year long? I am convinced that these kind of events are meant either for kids (how they love making dad a new purple and green necktie) or for extremely BORED adults. Also, how would you explain the fact that there is no such thing as Children's Day?
This is the way I see it: if you love each other so much, take her/him (Oh dear, have to keep the emancipation in check here) out for a bit of wining and dining, massages, cinema, strolls in the park, scenic boat tours, dim-lit jazz clubs, salsa nights, whatever tickles your fancy... on April 24th. Or September 1st. Or January 15th. Which ever night(s) is/are most convenient for you. Does it have to be a certain date on which you are OBLIGATED to declare and show your affection... Gimme a break.

I'd like to wish all the people that celebrate Valentine's Day a very nice and loving day. Morons. I'm gonna leave you with a Valentine's Card that very much reflects my feelings on this particular day. If you don't speak or read Dutch: www.dictionary.com

The Ultimate Guide to Do's and Don'ts whilst Frequenting a Bar - pt. 2

2006-02-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

Okay. I thought I pretty much covered it all the first time around. Nothing could be further from the truth. I managed to come up with more do's and don'ts you need to observe if you want to keep your bar staff happy - and your drinks swift and... shall we say... clean. :-). Also, I'd like to consider this a response to popular demand... ;-)

Dont's Pt. II:

1. ONCE AGAIN FOR THE CHEAP SEATS: Never EVER whistle, shout or snap your fingers at a bartender. On pain of death.
2. Please please PLEASE don't try to order drinks when the lights are on and the music's off. What part of "The Bar is Shut!" don't you understand...
3. (resulting from last night's shift) - Don't try to be cool by asking me which kind of credit cards we prefer. I don't care you have several credit cards - and I know you get them all from your company (which probably overpays you as well) anyway.
4. Don't pay for two soft drinks with a credit card. Unless you're nikcname is The Dude and you pay for a carton of milk with a check, this is HIGHLY annoying. Not to mention cost-ineffective.
5. If you are denied a drink after the bar has shut (see 2) by one bartender - don't be a smartass and try to order with the other one. In all probability you will get the same answer - this is not a Good Cop - Bad Cop Show.
6. Don't give me that "I'm a Real Go-Getter - Tenacious - Good At What I Do - People Person Let Me Handle This - Salesperson - I got a goal and I won't stop till I achieve it" commercial attitude BULLSHIT! Your shit DOES stink and you WILL wait your turn like everybody else (and NO - you will not get a round of drinks after hours).
7. If one or more glass(es) is/are broken by accident (let's face it, even us bartenders are only human), don't give me the aul' football stadion howl. I don't come to where YOU work and laugh at you, DO I?!?!?!
8. Don't come up with stupid questions like music requests when I'm trying to remember 357 orders at the same time (INCLUDING YOURS!).
9. Don't (this actually is making me giggle right now) order with me on my night off. When my shirt says "Cannibal Corpse" instead of "Guinness", you should know the score.

Do's

1. Have banter with the bar staff. That is.... if you actually have something interesting, amusing or funny to tell.
2. Read books at the bar. My heart melts when I come across this phenomenon.
3. LEAVE THE FUCKING BEERMATS ALONE!! When was the last time a beermat tore YOU into a thousand little pieces for no apparent reason except boredom? WELL??
4. If the bar is jampacked and there is only one or two of us behind the bar (or on the floor for that matter) - please bear with us. We do the best we can (unless your facial features offend us).
5. When you finally DO have our full and undivided attention, please state your order in a clear, semi-loud, well-spoken voice (preferably in English, Dutch or Maastricht dialect - yes I do speak a bit of French, German and even Spanish... but it IS an Irish pub s0, as it was said by the great band SOD - "Speak English or DIE!!!!"). When we return with the drinks, please have your means of payment at the ready. (Do NOT fuck about with shitloads of change). And for the love of GOD!! Do NOT (yes I know this should be in the section above, but I'm on a roll here) give me the old routine "Ow yeah... and another this.... and another that..... JOHN!! WHATCHA WANT MATE?!??!" MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!! DAMMIT! I think I appeal to all Seinfeld fans when I say.... I am the Beer Nazi. NO BEER FOR YOU!!! ;-)

And, in closing, please observe the following:

1. Yes, Creedence Clearwater Revival IS great music.
2. No Means No. (You probably heard that one before, too.)
3. Do we need a slightly bigger sign that says "STAFF AREA - DO NOT ORDER HERE" ???!?!
4. Yes I still do enjoy this job :-) Let's keep it that way.

That's all for now. More to come. :-)

The little things in life

2006-02-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

Just opened one of my desk drawers - and in there was an old ruler I haven't seen or used in months.
I couldn't help thinking but one thing. It rules!! :-D

Ballroom Dancing

2006-02-01T06:04:00.000-08:00

Well hello again!
Last night it popped into my head. In the short blogging career I've had thus far, I've been writing (nearly) exclusively about this that frustrate me - which actually had been a relief (even my shrink seems to think I'm much more relaxed these days. Yay!). But now, Id like to explain some things about the things I do to vent this frustration and anger in real life. It's about a little hobby of mine. It's called....

MOSH!!!!

(Damn, it even feels good saying it!)

Now, a lot of you people that I know in real life are aware of the fact that, at certain times, I like visiting shows or concerts by bands you so convenietly and casually refer to as "a sh*tload of noise". However, I sense that most of you don't fully realize what actually goes on at these merry events. As many of you suspect, these events do not exclusively involve violence, drunkenness, sweaty armpits and loads of hair. Sure, you do see "some" of it, but it doesn't dominate the scene as it does as during, say, a Pantera ,Cannibal Corpse or, well... Crowded House concert. Also, a lot of people associate this hobby of mine with stage-diving and crowd-surfing: congratulations, you're on the right track. But it's soooooo much more than that. Over the last few years, moshing has evolved into a mixture of freefighting, kickboxing and top class ballet. You'd be surprised how much respect a flic-flac, handstand or salto will get you in the moshpits of today (unless, of course, you land on somebody's head or other vital body parts).

Why go along in this madness, you ask? Why combine severe hangovers with unnecessary bumps, cuts and bruises? Two reasons really.
1. The aforementioned ventilation of frustrations of daily life. This may involve the boss, work, colleagues, friends, family, money, unpaid bills, unpaid invoices, love unanswered, respect denied - you know, the usual stuff - or just a general feeling of discontent (I really hate bringing Limp Bizkit in on this subject, but they said it right when they sang "Just one of those days where you don't wanna wake up/ Everything is fucked, everybody sucks/ You don't wanna know why, but you wanna justify RIPPIN' SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF!!". Ed. note: this does not diminish the fact that Fred Durst is a punk mofo).

2. YOUR protection. I could always, like some people I know and/ or see, go out on the weekends with these feelings nicely tucked away. Then, after several units of boose, get drunk,
annoyed and frustrated, after which I would inflict these frustrations upon my peers, friends, and total strangers. Now would that be the correct thing to do? I think NOT! I think it's much more appropriate to save these... erhm..."tendencies" of mine for the proper occassions, where lots of people have the same mindset. Why?? Because I'm a caring, loveable guy (as you can see in the pictures in this blog :-))!

Naturally, I could now go on and on and on about how nobody hardly ever gets hurt, it's not as rough and mean as it looks (well... unless you're visiting a Kickback show :-S), everybody knows each other, etc. etc. But wouldn't it be so mucher nicer, enlightening and adventurous to discover this information first hand? I say: why not join me on one of my little excursions? Anybody who feels like breaking their routine and come along with me on any weekend night, feel free to give me a buzz. You won't regret it!

Ow yes, and so you're not ENTIRELY unprepared: here's a little preview .... ( - this would be where you crank the volume on your speakers WAAAAAY up - fuck your boss and colleagues.) Enjoy!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1086895639477334427&q=gwvf

P.S. Helmets, shinguards and cotton balls available upon request. ( tim@chixdiggit.nl )

Little Moments of Merriment

2006-01-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

T: I've got a severe CRAVING for Chinese food now...
E: Well, it IS a Sunday...
T: I..., go and get me a number 34 with noodles!
I: F*ck off, T.. .
R: You could've gone for a number 69 with out noodles...
T: True..... (pause)................but I just love noodles...

*general hilarity*
:-P

The Ultimate Guide to Do's and Don'ts whilst Frequenting a Bar

2006-01-28T03:53:00.000-08:00

Well....after having been a professional bartender for a significant amount of time now - I think I earned the right AND the capacity to write this. The Ultimate Guide to Do's and Don't When Ordering Drinks in a Bar. Actually, it will reach a bit further than just the ordering bit - see it as just a few simple tips on what to do and, infinitely more important - what absolutely NOT to do. Becauce - to quote the great, great George Carlin - I don't have pet pieves, I have MAJOR PSYCHOTIC FUCKING HATREDS OKAY!?!?!

DON'Ts:

1. Never EVER whistle, shout or snap your fingers at a bartender. On pain of death.
2. Don't LEAN over the bar trying to order. Unless you are a midget or in a wheelchair, I can see you perfectly fine standing on your feet. (This rule does not apply in case of excessive cleavage). 3. Don't gawk at me trying to order. I get kinda American History X - inclinations (DON'T EYEBALL FUCK ME ASSHOLE!!!).
4. If I am at one point of the bar, have seen you but don't serve you immediately, please don't follow me up and down the bar. You make yourself look like an ass - besides: it's not like you're marking me in a game of rugby.
5. Don't interrupt while somebody is telling me a joke or vice versa. The boose will still be there in 30 seconds.
6. Don't request that SAME FUCKING SONG BY THE SAME FUCKING BAND - AGAIN!!!
7. Don't request a song by a band that was JUST ON FFS!!
8. Don't put a cigarette in the ashtray pro forma without actually extinguishing it.
9. Speaking of ashtrays...Why do you think it's called an ASHtray?? It's not called a gumtray... or a wrappertray...or a peanutshelltray...napkintray... WE'VE GOT FOUR BINS IN THE FUCKING PLACE!!
10. Do NOT, I repeat NOT, order drinks at the bar and walk back to your table. You really expect me to walk after you whilst you have perfectly healthy arms and hands, Bwana?? I know it's been a rough week posting stamps and picking up your boss' laundry but this is getting out of hand!!

DO's

1. Tip generously.
2. Show plenty (ass) cleavage (if female).
3. When ordering Guinness....WAIT TILL IT'S FUCKING FINISHED!!!! I know everybody has to start at some time, but if I had a nickel for everytime I had to run after some prick because he walked away with half a pint (whilst probably complaining about the price/ product ratio...), I wouldn't even HAVE this job anymore.
4. Vacate the premises when asked to do so. I don't give a fuck you ordered a full pint five minutes ago.

And in closing, please observe the following:

The customer is always right.

NOT ON MY SHIFT ASSHOLE!!!

First Blogstration

2006-01-13T06:18:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is. I finally gave in to writing blogs. Thanks a lot, my peers, I hope you're happy!

And what nicer start to a hopefully glorious yet probably doom-bound blogging career than to write about something that has frustrated me last night. And...come to think of it, a lot of nights before as well.
Why is it that, when you have just spent approximately 45 minutes to an hour waiting for YOUR (and I emphasize this word) turn at a dartboard or pooltable (the former applies to last night's events) - waiting what seems eternally for a few stupid-looking yet somewhat too sturdy- looking guys who are NOT in a hurry AT all... even though you have, on numerous occassions indicated your intentions towards indulging in a nice, if somewhat competitive, game with one of my friends - when it IS finally actually really unbelievably YOUR (notice again the emphasis my new reader friends) turn.... another couple of your friends turn up. This, in effect, is not a bad development (I have yet to encounter a person who does not abide by the old maxim "The more, the merrier" - even though I can't escape the thought that most people hardly mean it when they say it; it usually has a more kind of "Well... if you really must, you can join, us... but we'd actually rather continue spending this date with the two of us, Tim( :-P)"- ring to it), if it weren't for the fact that these friends inevitably belong to one of the following categories. 1. They're too drunk to actually make a somewhat useful contribution to the game; 2. They've been bored out of their minds by the person (probably a blogger, too...) who spent the last two hours sitting next to them talking about absolute b*llocks - and are willing to do anything, excluding harakiri, to get rid of them. These persons have no real interest in the game and do little to create belief that they actually do - "Please don't make me go back to Pilchard over there!!" 3. Have never touched a dart (or pool cue) in their miserable lives but "would fancy giving it a go" (I hear a lot of people thinking "What kind of sports person are you if you don't support people and introduce them to the game you like/ love to do?" - Go f* ck yourselves. I'm not a darts clinic (nor am I claiming to be so good at darts that I could be a darts clinic. I have, however, spent enough hours at the practice board to tell prick over here to go buy his own dartboard and start practising at home himself. Come back when you can hit consecutive 20's).

Or a combination of the three.

These people, no matter their category, all seem to ignore the irrefutable fact that it is YOUR (yes, YOUR) turn, as well as the countless, frustrating-ridden and painstaking hours you've spent practising (not to mention re-plastering the unfortunate living room wall), no to mention the fact that they have no real interest or passion in the game. In fact, they always seem to succeed in making the game so boring and/or ridiculous, in the end you decide to give it up and carry on drinking with the original darts partner. You see where this is going, right? You have a couple more... you get drunk.... "Fancy a game of darts?"